Hey friend,
Today you woke up more tired than when you fell asleep last night. Your alarm buzzed or your toddler poked you or the migraine behind your eyes dragged you awake and just rolling out of bed makes you want to cry.
You aren’t alone. The well-dressed woman ahead of you in line at Starbucks felt the same way when she washed her face and meticulously applied her makeup just a couple of hours ago. Jesus fell asleep in the middle of a thunderstorm at sea. Exhaustion is real.
When the sunshine slanted through the window and danced off the kitchen floor, you thought you should feel some sort of appreciation, but you didn’t. You just felt empty. When your sister texted and asked how you were this morning, you said, “Okay,” because you couldn’t handle more honesty than that.
You will feel again. More than just overwhelm and emptiness. It will be a slow journey, but you will take it one step at a time and feeling will come back into your soul. The happiness, the grief, the contentment, the thrill, the delight. It will return.
A memory slipped into your Facebook feed, reminding you of your grandma, your biggest fan and best of friends, who died two years ago. The fragility of life clutches your throat. Somehow that reminds you of all the things you thought you’d do in life, but you’ll be lucky to make it through today without breaking down. So guilt piles up like the stack of dirty dishes you can’t make it through. All the things you used to dream about, but not enough strength to do the small thing in front of you today.
Jesus is in it all. In the brave plunging your hands into the soapy dishwater despite the pain in your back or your wish for a nap. And he’s in the adventures you’ll get to take when time has healed you and given you more capacity to brave new things. It’s all sacred ground when he stands there with you.
This evening after finishing all the responsible things, you couldn’t wait to relax, but you spent mindless hours on your phone, eating a bag of potato chips. Now you’re mad at yourself and end up staying later just because you’re mad. You could have enjoyed a hot bath and some time with Jesus but it’s too late now.
Grace overrules every choice you make. In time, you’ll quit using the word “should” as a weapon against yourself and live with peace that protects you against shame. You’ll still struggle to not self-medicate, but it won’t always be this strong and you’ll figure out how to let God be stronger than your pain. But for tonight, let your choices go and lay your head down in peace. God is with you.
Survival mode tells you it’s never going to end, but I promise you, it can. Seasons change. We grow stronger when we take even the smallest steps. You will let yourself down and people may never be able to lift you up like you wish they would, but Jesus will never fail you, even on the toughest days.
So you can open your hands to Jesus, letting all the fear, and expectations, and dread slip through your hands. Even if you don’t have energy to tell him so out loud. Just let them go. It won’t always be this way. And Jesus will be the one who walks you through it all.
Love from,
A fellow survivor
