I have a complicated history of caring for myself.
Over the past decade, the suggestion of yoga slipped into my life from this person and that. A printed instructional sheet of yoga moves someone gave me that I practiced in my college dorm room. (Oh, the first time I posed in warrior one I never felt a stretch so good!) A little too chipper yoga instructor on DVD a friend gave me during my first pregnancy. (Too perky but just the right length of time and energy for a gentle workout.) And the YouTube video I found for pregnancy yoga that saved my life in my second pregnancy when I suffered from acute back and sciatic pain. (I still get endorphins thinking about the good stretch of the butterfly pose.)
And then the season of free yoga classes at our church. Sign me up, buttercup! I desperately wanted to be there every week. Kelli did an amazing job as instructor and I never felt so much guilt leaving my body as when we followed her lead and heard her say, “Don’t judge yourself. Whatever your body can do is good enough.” The permission to take child’s pose when everyone else was working on something more difficult unlocked something inside of me.
But it was hard to go to the classes because for a while they fell on Wednesday evenings, and my husband had a standing work commitment. Also, I didn’t own a yoga mat, so I would sometimes borrow one from a neighbor. Now, no one ever made me feel I couldn’t come to yoga without a mat, and nobody told me I couldn’t buy my own mat. But money is always tight and that seemed like an extravagance. And, isn’t it just a rule that you have to have a mat? Can’t break the rule.
One Wednesday, band practice was cancelled and I told my husband to be home in time for me to leave for yoga. It became one of those days. My stress built all day long with chaos from the kids, unfinished projects at home, and an irritating phone call from the insurance company. You bet I was watching the clock, calculating in my head how long it would take for me to jump in the car, run to the neighbor’s house to borrow her mat, and get to church in time (hopefully!) to catch the start of yoga.
But…Nate forgot. Yoga started at 6 pm and he rolled into the garage at something like 5:59 and I yelled at him on my way out the door. Then, my neighbor wasn’t home, like she’d said she’d be, so I ended up without a mat, 15 minutes late for the class. I sat in the church parking lot and sobbed.
Because I couldn’t go in 15 minutes late. That would inconvenience everyone. And I didn’t even have a mat. That would make me stand out from everyone else.
My night was ruined.
When I got home, my husband looked me in the eye and said, “Buy yourself a yoga mat.”
False guilt is a terrible motivator. In fact, it isn’t a motivator at all. It’s a manipulative, scheming devil trying to crush you.
Guilt told me, “You’re not worth spending $30 on for something that will legitimately bring joy and health to you.”
Guilt told me, “You’re an inconvenience. Shame on you for being late.”
Guilt told me, “You’re going to remind everyone you’re just a country bumpkin that can’t do anything right if you go to class without a yoga mat.”
This is what I know now that I started to learn that hot summer evening, crying in the parking lot: Life is too short to not fully live. I matter because God created me. And I don’t need to wait for permission to take care of myself. That matters too.
We have somehow lost our understanding of our value. We believe we can only matter if we get things done. If we fit in. If we work really hard. If we make other people happy. If we have lots of people who like us. If we have influence.
In Deuteronomy, as the people of Israel prepared to leave the wilderness and enter the promised land of Canaan, Moses brought them a message from God: “The Lord did not set his heart on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other nations, for you were the smallest of all nations! Rather, it was simply that the Lord loves you, and he was keeping the oath he had sworn to your ancestors.” (Deut. 7:7-8)
Here’s the reality: God doesn’t love you because of any reason you make up in your head. He loves you because he loves you. And he’s made a promise to keep on loving you. So he does.
Is there something you aren’t doing because of a false sense of guilt and shame? Let go of the baggage and buy the thing. Do the class. Take the chance. God doesn’t hold you back from living a full life. Don’t do it to yourself.
Also, PS, I love this yoga mat. It reminds me every time I use it that I matter to God.
And PS 2, if you need a good book about grace for yourself AND your kids, check this one out. I cry every single time I read it and my kids look at me like I’m crazy but my rescued legalist heart needs this message O-F-T-E-N.