The spring semester of my junior year God took me through relationship boot camp. Nate and I were close friends but I was investing more than he was in our relationship and it was heading south. As two of my other friends who were dating each other worked through some things, I tried to give them advice and they both essentially told me I was a terrible listener.
I thought I knew more than I did about people, to be honest. But the closest people in my life boldly put up boundaries with me, forcing us to work through our issues and that taught me so much about friendship and real love.
I used to be the kind of friend who willingly gave everything to others, even when they didn’t reciprocate. I was the first one to ask, “Hey, how’s it going?” every day. “How was your test? How can I help you?” I didn’t expect my friends to give back to me to that level, which sometimes enabled them to take advantage of me.
I began to see that this was unhealthy through conversations with Nate and my other friends. In order to salvage those relationships, particularly with Nate, I had to step back. I let Nate talk to me first. I let other friends come find me rather than always seeking them out. And I accepted it when they didn’t.
The crazy thing was that during this time I realized just what a good friend Nate was and how well our strengths and weaknesses balanced out. This may the weirdest thing you’ll every hear me say, but I suddenly knew that God wanted us to be together. Never mind the fact that we had both emphatically declared multiple times that we would never date.
Most significantly God taught me that love does not equal giving, as I’d always thought – the more you love, the more you give. One breakfast I was reading my Bible when I realized that love actually equals sacrifice. Sometimes, for a care giving personality like mine, love means NOT always giving but giving others the chance to give back.
By this we know love, that Christ laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. (1 John 3:16)
Christ’s sacrifice for us embodies his love. For me, not giving can be a sacrifice. Giving makes me feel needed. If I’m needed, my relationships feel secure. But true loves seeks out the best of the other person, and doing everything for them is not for their best.
For months, all I felt God allowed me to do for Nate was to pray for him. I did little to initiate friendship in any way and let him choose when and how to be my friend.
So I did set aside time to pray for him every day. It was a giant step of faith but I learned more about love during that time than ever before in my life.