Shortly before leaving for college I took a Myers-Briggs personality test. I tested as a 100% extroverted ESFJ. One hundred percent. Looking back, it indicated my unhealthy dependence on people.
Because I’d spent years wishing I lived closer to friends, I loved being surrounded by Christians at college. I made friendships left and right. Some were deep and meaningful. Some more superficial. All of them fed my hunger for relationships and need for people’s approval and acceptance.
Sophomore year when I decorated my dorm room, I plastered it with photos. Of course knowing my life was filled with people who cared about me wasn’t a bad thing. But in my case it showed the state of my heart. Relationships with people mattered far more to me than closeness to God. Often before praying about things I would talk to dozens of people first. My social life definitely took first place.
That year, I experienced a deep rejection from someone I thought cared about me more than they did. I was convinced a guy finally wanted me to be his girlfriend while he never wanted more than friendship.
It devastated me. My idol of people’s acceptance crumbled and I fell on my face. God was rooting this out of my life and it hurt to let go. But during this period I learned the power of God’s truth. I had never experienced depression until that year. It’s a dark place when you feel like you can’t even leave your room. My closest friends poured truth into me and prayed me through it.
So I fought the fight. I surrounded myself with Bible verses and read them, choosing to believe God even when I felt numb inside. I listened to songs about how God loved and accepted me over and over again. God asked me if I would take down the photos on my walls. I did and surrendered my relationships to him. I would beg God for help from my knees, then pull myself up and go to class.
Eventually, the rooting out was over and the healing could begin. For probably the first time in my life I really understood that I was completely accepted by God and that was enough, no matter who else loved or wanted me. I saw myself as God sees me and knew that I was beautiful and treasured.
God gave me this to cling to:
The truth is that God loves me and is for me and I am his own.
God’s truth prevails. He will not be defeated. Things I learned in that season changed my whole life and I thank him for drawing me near.