I have two beautiful children. As the oldest of 9 in my family, I was familiar with pregnancy and childbirth. However, I would often worry when my mom was pregnant that something would happen to her or baby.
So when I was expecting our son, that fear reared its head and I struggled with the feeling that this was out of my control. My body was changing. I would have to face labor and delivery. It scared me.
I even refused to think about my upcoming labor. “Not going there,” I’d tell myself. I braced myself, saying, “No matter how bad it might be, it will eventually be over.” Not exactly positive thinking.
So I would best describe my delivery experience with my firstborn as a state of prolonged panic and fear. I know I brought some trauma to my body physically by fighting against the labor out of my fear. Charles was born in exactly five and half hours. All went smoothly on the outside. I had wonderful care by the midwife and hospital staff. But it wasn’t something I wanted to repeat – at least not in that mental state.
When we were expecting baby #2, I wanted something to change. To move past that fear and at least appreciate my body’s ability to bring life into the world. I knew that midwives who delivered at home would give me a fresh perspective that would help me heal from my first delivery.
During the second half of my pregnancy I thought through the upcoming labor and delivery, mentally preparing myself. I spoke words and prayers of healing to my body and gradually looked forward to delivering baby, rather than dreading the pain.
Then, shortly after I went into labor, God brought 2 Timothy 4:8 to my mind, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love and of power and of a sound mind.” I repeated it over and over through each contraction. And through that delivery, my heart was freed from my fear. Louisa was born in less than three hours.
I have two very different children, delivered in two very different ways. I’m so grateful for what God allows us to experience, both good and hard, that shapes our lives.